Rant.
IDK. At the moment.. not exactly pleasant. Okay, I feel lonely? A little bit. I just want someone to rant to, yanno? ¬ feel COMPLETELY ignored. Or any ignored, in fact.
My head hurts, I adore the Wonder Girls right now.
[Take away the distractions.]
03 September 2009
01 September 2009
"for the same reason I is"
Dear God,
You know the happenings. You know it. I'm writing this; it's meant to be a prayer. God, I'm sad. I'm really sad at the moment, even if I never knew her. I heard it; the thoughts it brought to my mind.. it was horrible. Then, I decided to look at the article, &seeing the faces of those who were close &loved her.. it was heartbreaking. &I think I hate it. I hate this feeling I get when I hear this kind of news. I think it's even worse that it takes me a while until it sinks it. When I first heard it, really, I was in shock. It was.. unbelievable. It's more unbelievable that I heard so much of this topic so much this year. What up with this? Why does this have to happen NOW? I'm sorry for questioning, God. I'm really sorry, but I don't understand. I'm confused. So confused. &maybe I'm not meant to understand. I know, but this is how things process for me. I don't know if it's going to change. I might have to for my designated career.. but.. still. It happened in a non-pleasant way. That's what bothers me. I'm sorry God, for never really praying, anymore. I'm sorry for a lot of things, but I think I'm on that road to change again. Haha.. Santino. I think I'm going to start talking to you a little bit more at a time. I'm grateful. I hope I won't ever forget how grateful I am, even if I don't always show it.
[23:11] 8 9: Your face is speechles?
[23:11] K3N: Isn't it always?
[23:11] K3N: No, I think my face is more clueless.
[23:12] 8 9: uh huh
[23:12] 8 9: Well take cares of ryans
[23:12] 8 9: he's in the downers
[23:12] K3N: Yes, he issers. =\
[23:12] 8 9: for the same reason I is.
[23:12] 8 9: lol
[23:12] 8 9: So yeah
[23:12] 8 9: that's all.
[23:12] 8 9: ttyl
[23:13] K3N: Take care.. &stay safe, please.
I don't know how to handle.. death. I don't know how other people handle it. I don't know how to help people through it. I feel useless. At the same time, I'm scared of it, too. I don't like bringing it up.. &I just have to be real with it: It happens. I do know, people move on. I believe in people moving on. What I want to stay.. are memories. I think those are what I treasure most along with the people who made such memories with me. It feels like a wake-up call all over again. Don't waste life. Really don't. &even if I'm realizing all this now.. there are people there.. fighting.. people there.. crying.. people there that aren't having the good life. &that saddens me, too. Again, I question you. I know I'm welcomed to question all I want; I hope I am, anyways. I'm not mad at you, I promise. I only want to know reasons why.. I probably won't get those answers right away. Perhaps, I already know the answer.. It's just so.. affecting. I don't even know why so many tears are running down my face.. but they are..
Rest in Peace Christine Mariano.. I promise I probably never talked to you. Maybe there were instances when you did. Maybe I did recognize you from school. I probably did see you in school. I'm sorry I don't remember right now. I really am. I don't recall a moment when I talked to you. I'm pretty sure I never got to know you. But.. I sympathize.. I feel a piece of that small pain your family might feel. Might. I could never feel what they feel. I could never know you as well as so many people did. I still don't understand why so many tears just fell from my face.. I want to say.. you don't deserve it.. In the article, it said, you just graduated. I'd like to think you had so much more waiting for you.. But I don't know God's plan. I don't know how He decided to work this whole thing out.. But I hope you were happy here. I wish you were. I wish you had no regrets. I wish you didn't experience pain. I wish that you're okay..
I don't know what else to say. I don't know how else to react; I don't understand how I'm reacting.. I just know.. right now.. I'm sad.. This aura.. it's sad. God.. really, please look after all of us. Don't we all deserve it? I think we do.. I don't like pain.. So, please, help us ease it..
[I have to stop being so selfish.. I need to see the world.]
-Love &Peace-
Amen.
You know the happenings. You know it. I'm writing this; it's meant to be a prayer. God, I'm sad. I'm really sad at the moment, even if I never knew her. I heard it; the thoughts it brought to my mind.. it was horrible. Then, I decided to look at the article, &seeing the faces of those who were close &loved her.. it was heartbreaking. &I think I hate it. I hate this feeling I get when I hear this kind of news. I think it's even worse that it takes me a while until it sinks it. When I first heard it, really, I was in shock. It was.. unbelievable. It's more unbelievable that I heard so much of this topic so much this year. What up with this? Why does this have to happen NOW? I'm sorry for questioning, God. I'm really sorry, but I don't understand. I'm confused. So confused. &maybe I'm not meant to understand. I know, but this is how things process for me. I don't know if it's going to change. I might have to for my designated career.. but.. still. It happened in a non-pleasant way. That's what bothers me. I'm sorry God, for never really praying, anymore. I'm sorry for a lot of things, but I think I'm on that road to change again. Haha.. Santino. I think I'm going to start talking to you a little bit more at a time. I'm grateful. I hope I won't ever forget how grateful I am, even if I don't always show it.
[23:11] 8 9: Your face is speechles?
[23:11] K3N: Isn't it always?
[23:11] K3N: No, I think my face is more clueless.
[23:12] 8 9: uh huh
[23:12] 8 9: Well take cares of ryans
[23:12] 8 9: he's in the downers
[23:12] K3N: Yes, he issers. =\
[23:12] 8 9: for the same reason I is.
[23:12] 8 9: lol
[23:12] 8 9: So yeah
[23:12] 8 9: that's all.
[23:12] 8 9: ttyl
[23:13] K3N: Take care.. &stay safe, please.
I don't know how to handle.. death. I don't know how other people handle it. I don't know how to help people through it. I feel useless. At the same time, I'm scared of it, too. I don't like bringing it up.. &I just have to be real with it: It happens. I do know, people move on. I believe in people moving on. What I want to stay.. are memories. I think those are what I treasure most along with the people who made such memories with me. It feels like a wake-up call all over again. Don't waste life. Really don't. &even if I'm realizing all this now.. there are people there.. fighting.. people there.. crying.. people there that aren't having the good life. &that saddens me, too. Again, I question you. I know I'm welcomed to question all I want; I hope I am, anyways. I'm not mad at you, I promise. I only want to know reasons why.. I probably won't get those answers right away. Perhaps, I already know the answer.. It's just so.. affecting. I don't even know why so many tears are running down my face.. but they are..
Rest in Peace Christine Mariano.. I promise I probably never talked to you. Maybe there were instances when you did. Maybe I did recognize you from school. I probably did see you in school. I'm sorry I don't remember right now. I really am. I don't recall a moment when I talked to you. I'm pretty sure I never got to know you. But.. I sympathize.. I feel a piece of that small pain your family might feel. Might. I could never feel what they feel. I could never know you as well as so many people did. I still don't understand why so many tears just fell from my face.. I want to say.. you don't deserve it.. In the article, it said, you just graduated. I'd like to think you had so much more waiting for you.. But I don't know God's plan. I don't know how He decided to work this whole thing out.. But I hope you were happy here. I wish you were. I wish you had no regrets. I wish you didn't experience pain. I wish that you're okay..
I don't know what else to say. I don't know how else to react; I don't understand how I'm reacting.. I just know.. right now.. I'm sad.. This aura.. it's sad. God.. really, please look after all of us. Don't we all deserve it? I think we do.. I don't like pain.. So, please, help us ease it..
[I have to stop being so selfish.. I need to see the world.]
-Love &Peace-
Amen.
25 August 2009
[0013]Thoughts.
Life is a mystery. Is now &always be. I know that much.
Again, Ryan ditched me for plans I had hopes for. I guess no surprise there, but I'm really not as crushed. I'm lying. I really am crushed, but I'm trying to let go such childish needs only because I WANTED IT. Yes, I will emphasize on the "I." I want to be less selfish &more selfless now. Just a little. I know I still have needs &wants, but I want those wants to not only benefit me, anymore, but other people, which pretty much makes it selfish because I'm still thinking about myself. Still, it'll benefit more people than one, so what really do I have to lose? I still want to be a hero; I still want to change the world in a positive matter. It seems those won't change. At least, not for a while. I hope not. I hope I'm not one of those people who lose hope. I hope I don't lose, period. I really want to succeed in this little mission of mine. &I pray to God it will.
Again, tears are welling up on my face. I don't know why I cry. I really think I cry for any strong emotion I hold, whether it be happiness or sadness. I guess I cry to signify I haven't completely lost it. It's been a wonder; maybe it's a blessing. I haven't found quite what its purpose it, but hopefully, soon, I will. It could be a life saver. Who knows.
Although, I am generally how cruel this world is, I hope. I hope that there's something good beneath all the jerkiness people hold. I even wish violence would stop. No more murdering. No more hurting our own kind, for now. I really do dread when we, as humans, have to turn on each other. We all need the same things to survive, so I don't see a point to all this anger &violence. Sometimes, humans are really just caught up with the silly little stupid things. Part of me really hates it, but sometimes its those really silly stupid things that save us from ourselves. It's so.. annoying. For one second, can it just stop? That isn't the case. Still, right now, I DARE TO DREAM. I dare to find a loophole in this drunken world. I guess I am a little crazy for wanting such a thing to happen, but every Christmas, that's what I've been hoping for. I want it to stop. It's a nearly impossible task, right? I think God made me this way, though. &if more people seek for such a thing, I think it can happen. It just needs to grow more. But stupid people &their selfish "needs." A curse we all have.
God, please make it all stop. Help people realize that its all idiocracy. Help them me a lot stronger. Help them, including me, to make this world a better place. As cheesy as it is, they too, must realize.
-Love &Peace-
Again, Ryan ditched me for plans I had hopes for. I guess no surprise there, but I'm really not as crushed. I'm lying. I really am crushed, but I'm trying to let go such childish needs only because I WANTED IT. Yes, I will emphasize on the "I." I want to be less selfish &more selfless now. Just a little. I know I still have needs &wants, but I want those wants to not only benefit me, anymore, but other people, which pretty much makes it selfish because I'm still thinking about myself. Still, it'll benefit more people than one, so what really do I have to lose? I still want to be a hero; I still want to change the world in a positive matter. It seems those won't change. At least, not for a while. I hope not. I hope I'm not one of those people who lose hope. I hope I don't lose, period. I really want to succeed in this little mission of mine. &I pray to God it will.
Again, tears are welling up on my face. I don't know why I cry. I really think I cry for any strong emotion I hold, whether it be happiness or sadness. I guess I cry to signify I haven't completely lost it. It's been a wonder; maybe it's a blessing. I haven't found quite what its purpose it, but hopefully, soon, I will. It could be a life saver. Who knows.
Although, I am generally how cruel this world is, I hope. I hope that there's something good beneath all the jerkiness people hold. I even wish violence would stop. No more murdering. No more hurting our own kind, for now. I really do dread when we, as humans, have to turn on each other. We all need the same things to survive, so I don't see a point to all this anger &violence. Sometimes, humans are really just caught up with the silly little stupid things. Part of me really hates it, but sometimes its those really silly stupid things that save us from ourselves. It's so.. annoying. For one second, can it just stop? That isn't the case. Still, right now, I DARE TO DREAM. I dare to find a loophole in this drunken world. I guess I am a little crazy for wanting such a thing to happen, but every Christmas, that's what I've been hoping for. I want it to stop. It's a nearly impossible task, right? I think God made me this way, though. &if more people seek for such a thing, I think it can happen. It just needs to grow more. But stupid people &their selfish "needs." A curse we all have.
God, please make it all stop. Help people realize that its all idiocracy. Help them me a lot stronger. Help them, including me, to make this world a better place. As cheesy as it is, they too, must realize.
-Love &Peace-
22 August 2009
[0012]Can I Be A Hero, Instead?
Dear ____,
I cowered again; I didn't try my best again. I didn't become any better than I was yesterday or a year before. I haven't improved. I'm part of what bothers me most in the world. Yeah, I'm a problem. Then why do I criticize? Because I'm right? I'm not right? Because I can't even follow my own words. I can't even follow WHAT I WANT. It's so hard living WHAT I WANT when the moment is there. &it sucks. It sucks so bad, it makes me REALLY mad. I don't want to be like them, God. Not like them. Can I be a hero instead?
Today, as I was walking by the food section to be really greedy &taste some samples, I saw this jerk. It was near the Bourbon Chicken place. I was aiming on getting one, too. The server looked like she was ready to give some to brother &me. THEN SOME JERK, decided to NOT ONLY TAKE A SAMPLE, but the whole plate. The server's face caught my attention, &so did the jerk's. Sad thing is, I found it discriminating, but I didn't realize how mad I was until half-way around the Food Court. I started getting mad. I mean, that man just LAUGHED his OLD FART FACE OFF along with his OLD FART FRIENDS. I mean, like seriously, GROW THE EFF UP. Kindergartners know more manner than you or your stupid friends. They don't just take things that aren't theirs. Did it look like they offered a plate to you? Oh hell fucking no. THEY DIDN'T. STUPID. &you think you're so cool, huh? You aren't &you weren't. That's called DISRESPECT. &it's not cool. The world revolves around respect. You don't have to love nor care for a person to get along with them. All a person really needs is respect. Key word here, genius. Oh, but wait, you wouldn't understand that because you're the epitome of STUPIDITY. Maybe the OLD FART needed to go back to Kindergarten because apparently, he didn't learn one of the most simplest lessons. That would be "Please" &"Thank You."
I don't want that to ever happen again. I just don't want to watch, anymore. It's TIME FOR ACTION. I wish a could be this so called hero. I wish I didn't have to think before I acted. Maybe I would be a lot more gutsy. Maybe I can correct more of the wrongs in the this world. Only if I can have an equal balance. Only if. Again with the if's. I'm OVER IF.
... &yet again. I lost a battle without ever trying. Again, I can hate myself. But I'm over hating myself. So, SOMEONE, help me improve. Criticize me, &correct my flaws. Because I'm darn tired of them.
-Love &Peace-
I cowered again; I didn't try my best again. I didn't become any better than I was yesterday or a year before. I haven't improved. I'm part of what bothers me most in the world. Yeah, I'm a problem. Then why do I criticize? Because I'm right? I'm not right? Because I can't even follow my own words. I can't even follow WHAT I WANT. It's so hard living WHAT I WANT when the moment is there. &it sucks. It sucks so bad, it makes me REALLY mad. I don't want to be like them, God. Not like them. Can I be a hero instead?
Today, as I was walking by the food section to be really greedy &taste some samples, I saw this jerk. It was near the Bourbon Chicken place. I was aiming on getting one, too. The server looked like she was ready to give some to brother &me. THEN SOME JERK, decided to NOT ONLY TAKE A SAMPLE, but the whole plate. The server's face caught my attention, &so did the jerk's. Sad thing is, I found it discriminating, but I didn't realize how mad I was until half-way around the Food Court. I started getting mad. I mean, that man just LAUGHED his OLD FART FACE OFF along with his OLD FART FRIENDS. I mean, like seriously, GROW THE EFF UP. Kindergartners know more manner than you or your stupid friends. They don't just take things that aren't theirs. Did it look like they offered a plate to you? Oh hell fucking no. THEY DIDN'T. STUPID. &you think you're so cool, huh? You aren't &you weren't. That's called DISRESPECT. &it's not cool. The world revolves around respect. You don't have to love nor care for a person to get along with them. All a person really needs is respect. Key word here, genius. Oh, but wait, you wouldn't understand that because you're the epitome of STUPIDITY. Maybe the OLD FART needed to go back to Kindergarten because apparently, he didn't learn one of the most simplest lessons. That would be "Please" &"Thank You."
I don't want that to ever happen again. I just don't want to watch, anymore. It's TIME FOR ACTION. I wish a could be this so called hero. I wish I didn't have to think before I acted. Maybe I would be a lot more gutsy. Maybe I can correct more of the wrongs in the this world. Only if I can have an equal balance. Only if. Again with the if's. I'm OVER IF.
... &yet again. I lost a battle without ever trying. Again, I can hate myself. But I'm over hating myself. So, SOMEONE, help me improve. Criticize me, &correct my flaws. Because I'm darn tired of them.
-Love &Peace-
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