[0010]Like A Brother.

Phil is my subject today. He's just.. so caring. Don't get me wrong, he's mean at the same time. Ryan says it's just the way he is. I guess I could be reading more into this than I should be, but in some small way, he does look out for me. I guess he's being me in a friend's position. I'm really not used to it. Maybe it's a type of karma. Even though he'll never admit that he does care, he cares in a really small way. I guess I'm touched. I don't know. Maybe he regularly does this and I'm not so special at all. I'm not asking to be. I don't want to be so special. I really don't know, &it doesn't really bother me. I just wonder. I wonder whenever he does a good deed to me. I haven't done anything for him. So, I guess I just don't understand. It's not how I've lived life. In a way, its either we're equal or I've been doing the looking out &sacrifices. Usually. I'm used to being the eldest. I hate how this is really scattered. My thoughts are scattered. They always are. Thinking it would get any better typed down is a joke. It really won't. I'm still in awe. Maybe one day I'll ask him. If I ever know him better. Because.. romantically.. I'm really not into him. He can be a real pervert, &that's just a little too much for me. I wouldn't understand. &I really can't picture us together at all. I did, but that was then. An infatuation. That's if I really want to be honest with myself. Overall, I see him as a brother. The dude saved me during the first couple of days of class. He lent me his books with no tradebacks. I only knew his name back then. I only knew he was Ryan's friend. I was scared. Scared like crazy when I had to approach him. I faced it. I needed to. I won't get anywhere if I don't. From then, he's been hanging out with me. &after first semester, I haven't seen much of him since. Less so that its summer. But those rides home, I appreciated them. Lending me those books really did save me. My grades, money, &mental stress. He's been a good friend so far.. should I say good acquintance? I really don't know him much at all. He kept me company. I don't ask, but he always offers. Always says its no problem. I really don't know how much of that is true. I really don't want to be a bother. I DON'T NEED company, but sometimes its nice. I DON'T NEED rides; God gave me legs. I can wait for a bus or even walk it. I don't need half of the deeds he did, but he did it. Maybe he has a philosophy in life. To help everyone who's in need or something. It makes me cool that way. I guess the fact that I don't understand why people are so nice gets to me. It happens to Ryan's Mom, too. I used to feel guilty with Ryan, but.. we just spend too much time together. It just ends up cancelling. Maybe that is why. Maybe.

-Love&Peace-